You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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