I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
