i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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