FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
