My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
