I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
