my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
As shirtless as possible
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
