Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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