Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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