i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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