I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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