I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
