is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
