So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize