Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
