I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
