I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
