Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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