Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
