i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
