meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
