If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
