woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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