the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
