I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
