Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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