Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
