Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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