my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why is there bacon in the couch?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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