she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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