when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
time to smoke my breakfast
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
