Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
