dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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