Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I could make wine with my vomit
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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