Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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