i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
