Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
