The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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