Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
