dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
