Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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