My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
