My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
