you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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