Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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