idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
