Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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