dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
