I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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