i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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