Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize