I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
