I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
