the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I believe in your delicious
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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