battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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