i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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