so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
