all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize