my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
