Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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